12.21
We made it back to Sacramento and it's a surreal experience being back here. It feels like a stranger I've seen before in dreams, familiar but foreign. I had no idea what was ahead of me when I left McLellan Park in early November. Seems as if a lifetime has gone by in a short month and a half. When we got back yesterday and were unpacking our things from the van, Jon, who barely says a word, goes "I feel different. When we left Sacramento, I liked you guys. Now, I love you."
Ms. Oian, the unit leader for the green teams, mentioned today during our celebration/project debrief the importance of journaling, so we can remember the little things that are so easy to forget and reflect on what we've learned. I've learned so much I don't know where to begin. There's so much I never want to forget.
It's a day later now. I completed this entry earlier today, and it all somehow got deleted. I was upset about this because I worked hard on the entry and really felt it in my heart and it took me a while to write and I don't feel like trying to re-create it. It was a good reminder for me to let go, however. So, now I will give a half-assed version of what I wrote earlier and try to give the highlights.
The Over-21s in the group and I spent last night at the local bar, Harvey's, and it was a truly fulfilling and genuine night in the strangest ways. I had a heart to heart with Cassandra about love and happiness and what they mean for us. I had a heart to heart with Roy about our brothers, and Roy's experience with having a brother in prison. Roy is one of the wisest people I've ever met in my life. He sees all and understands all and he's always right. About everything. After simmering in the grimy yet charming bar atmosphere for a few hours, we ventured back to McLellan and headed to the music room. Keeley and I tried to teach Roy and Jon how to play piano. I half-drunkenly fumbled around with the keys, trying to recall the songs I once knew by heart. At around 2, we all parted ways and Keeley and I went to her room. Of course, we ended up having a heart to heart (kinda the theme of the night I guess). We discovered we've had strangely similar life circumstances and have shared a lot of the same type of pain over the years. Our conversation was quickly joined by snot and tears, but it had the compelling underlying theme of healing and forgiveness. It is one of the best feelings to completely open yourself up to someone and feel as though they see you completely and understand you completely. I'm thankful to Keeley for that conversation and for being the person she is. She reminded me that no matter what, we are never alone.
I love being a human being. I love the people I have met in this life, that have changed me and inspired me and tore my heart open and put it back together. People change me every day. Cassandra changed me with the Christmas letter she wrote me where she told me she admires my spirit and trusts me. Grant changed me today when he called me pickle and hugged me and we talked in those weird voices and laughed so hard that I cried while I was driving. When it took me 30 minutes to park at the meter spot and Alexis, Jasmine, and Grant showered me in praise anyway. The lady at the store changed me today when she called me love and flashed a warm smile and we shared a genuine beautiful stranger moment. All those heart to hearts last night changed me. Watching the wedding episode of the Office today changed me, when I imagined the hopefulness of the future and one day watching all my friends getting married. The words of a poet changed me today as I read on the floor of Barnes and Noble, words about endings and how they come without warning. Voicemails from my loved ones far away changed me. These little things touch my soul, practically set it on fire, and remind me how painful and beautiful and unbelievable it is to be living this life.
Sometimes I fear how good things can be, because that means the worse it will hurt when they go away. That's okay, I tell myself. Let yourself feel how good things are, let yourself feel how painful the magnitude of this goodness can be. Let it shock you, that you somehow were able to deserve any of this. The smiles and the laughs and the ability to wake up in the morning and know you are not alone, you've never been alone. Let the love you feel knock you out. But don't ever wish it away. Don't wish a single moment of it away. Eventually and inevitably, whether you want it to or not, it will disappear without any warning and it will hurt so badly. But you will be able to look around with tears in your eyes and say, "this was good. this was so good."
Ms. Oian, the unit leader for the green teams, mentioned today during our celebration/project debrief the importance of journaling, so we can remember the little things that are so easy to forget and reflect on what we've learned. I've learned so much I don't know where to begin. There's so much I never want to forget.
It's a day later now. I completed this entry earlier today, and it all somehow got deleted. I was upset about this because I worked hard on the entry and really felt it in my heart and it took me a while to write and I don't feel like trying to re-create it. It was a good reminder for me to let go, however. So, now I will give a half-assed version of what I wrote earlier and try to give the highlights.
The Over-21s in the group and I spent last night at the local bar, Harvey's, and it was a truly fulfilling and genuine night in the strangest ways. I had a heart to heart with Cassandra about love and happiness and what they mean for us. I had a heart to heart with Roy about our brothers, and Roy's experience with having a brother in prison. Roy is one of the wisest people I've ever met in my life. He sees all and understands all and he's always right. About everything. After simmering in the grimy yet charming bar atmosphere for a few hours, we ventured back to McLellan and headed to the music room. Keeley and I tried to teach Roy and Jon how to play piano. I half-drunkenly fumbled around with the keys, trying to recall the songs I once knew by heart. At around 2, we all parted ways and Keeley and I went to her room. Of course, we ended up having a heart to heart (kinda the theme of the night I guess). We discovered we've had strangely similar life circumstances and have shared a lot of the same type of pain over the years. Our conversation was quickly joined by snot and tears, but it had the compelling underlying theme of healing and forgiveness. It is one of the best feelings to completely open yourself up to someone and feel as though they see you completely and understand you completely. I'm thankful to Keeley for that conversation and for being the person she is. She reminded me that no matter what, we are never alone.
I love being a human being. I love the people I have met in this life, that have changed me and inspired me and tore my heart open and put it back together. People change me every day. Cassandra changed me with the Christmas letter she wrote me where she told me she admires my spirit and trusts me. Grant changed me today when he called me pickle and hugged me and we talked in those weird voices and laughed so hard that I cried while I was driving. When it took me 30 minutes to park at the meter spot and Alexis, Jasmine, and Grant showered me in praise anyway. The lady at the store changed me today when she called me love and flashed a warm smile and we shared a genuine beautiful stranger moment. All those heart to hearts last night changed me. Watching the wedding episode of the Office today changed me, when I imagined the hopefulness of the future and one day watching all my friends getting married. The words of a poet changed me today as I read on the floor of Barnes and Noble, words about endings and how they come without warning. Voicemails from my loved ones far away changed me. These little things touch my soul, practically set it on fire, and remind me how painful and beautiful and unbelievable it is to be living this life.
Sometimes I fear how good things can be, because that means the worse it will hurt when they go away. That's okay, I tell myself. Let yourself feel how good things are, let yourself feel how painful the magnitude of this goodness can be. Let it shock you, that you somehow were able to deserve any of this. The smiles and the laughs and the ability to wake up in the morning and know you are not alone, you've never been alone. Let the love you feel knock you out. But don't ever wish it away. Don't wish a single moment of it away. Eventually and inevitably, whether you want it to or not, it will disappear without any warning and it will hurt so badly. But you will be able to look around with tears in your eyes and say, "this was good. this was so good."
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