11.11
Today my mind keeps going back to school, I don't know why exactly. Some memories are pleasant to revisit, some are painful, some are both. I keep going back to the moments where I consciously said to myself "remember this and hold on to this. This moment is bliss and it will go away. Don't let it get away too quick." Those days at Leddy, laughing over beers and jumping in the frigid burlington water. Warm nights on the 303 stoop that I swore would be my favorite place on earth forever (it might still be). People-watching from the boy's deck on college street. Singing duets with Sean at karaoke. Coming home and finding all my friends in my bed. Jumping on the kitchen chairs with Lizzy screaming Miley Cyrus. Tile floors and cracked ceilings and red wine and cozy movie days. Dancing under the church street lights. Heady topper at the sunset with Patrick. Those days I would walk to the park and meditate at the water, filled with a warmth that assured me I belong here. There aren't words to explain the feelings of these moments.
I keep revisiting that last night in Burlington in my mind. When Sean looked at me, tears in his eyes, and said "we had a good run, Vick." Or when Lizzy walked into my room and collapsed onto my bed and we cried together for what felt like eternity. I know it sounds like I'm romanticizing everything, but I had so many tremendously bittersweet moments in Burlington. My heart nearly explodes when I think of those times jumping on the couches and having dance parties in the kitchen. I miss Sean's hugs and all the unconditional love he continuously poured into my life. I miss visiting Tim at the Scuffer, seeing his warm smiling face. I miss having breakfast with Brennen and sitting quietly in the lib together. I miss walking to Maya's house, I miss laying in Leah's bed on lazy mornings, and Lizzy's robot hand movements and our absolute ridiculousness together. I miss all that comfortable, incredible love all the time and am sad that I don't know when we will all be together again.
If i try to think of a heaven on earth, I think of all of us, sitting at a big dining room table drinking mimosas listening to music. I think of the boys wearing their Hawaiian shirts and making fun of me in their endearing way that always made me know they loved me. I think of all of us dancing around the streets at 3 am, getting pizza and laughing about where we've been and where we're going.
I'm very happy with where I am. I am loving my life in so many ways, and can't believe how lucky I am to be where I am. But every now and then I let my mind wander to those places I have loved in the past and all the beauty that was held there. It makes my heart sting with all kinds of warm fiery sparkles. I let the memories surround me and take me over with emotion, and then I let them pass. The nostalgia sparkles linger for a moment or so, and then they are gone, a reminder of all that's fleeting. I return to the present feeling grounded and alive, prepared to make new moments that will give me those same sparkles someday down the line.
While I've spent much of today revisisiting the past, the world kept spinning on as it does.We made it to Clay County, Florida, and the living arrangements are definitely interesting. We are all staying on cots in a huge, wide open building that resembles an abandoned warehouse. Keeley is about 10 inches to my right, and Jasmine is ahout 10 inches to my left. I have a feeling privacy will be very minimal for the next month, and that's okay. I walked in this building with a growth mindset and growing is what I'm going to do! If Clay is the County I'm living in, then like clay I will become.
Here's to change, even if it feels kinda weird
~V
I keep revisiting that last night in Burlington in my mind. When Sean looked at me, tears in his eyes, and said "we had a good run, Vick." Or when Lizzy walked into my room and collapsed onto my bed and we cried together for what felt like eternity. I know it sounds like I'm romanticizing everything, but I had so many tremendously bittersweet moments in Burlington. My heart nearly explodes when I think of those times jumping on the couches and having dance parties in the kitchen. I miss Sean's hugs and all the unconditional love he continuously poured into my life. I miss visiting Tim at the Scuffer, seeing his warm smiling face. I miss having breakfast with Brennen and sitting quietly in the lib together. I miss walking to Maya's house, I miss laying in Leah's bed on lazy mornings, and Lizzy's robot hand movements and our absolute ridiculousness together. I miss all that comfortable, incredible love all the time and am sad that I don't know when we will all be together again.
If i try to think of a heaven on earth, I think of all of us, sitting at a big dining room table drinking mimosas listening to music. I think of the boys wearing their Hawaiian shirts and making fun of me in their endearing way that always made me know they loved me. I think of all of us dancing around the streets at 3 am, getting pizza and laughing about where we've been and where we're going.
I'm very happy with where I am. I am loving my life in so many ways, and can't believe how lucky I am to be where I am. But every now and then I let my mind wander to those places I have loved in the past and all the beauty that was held there. It makes my heart sting with all kinds of warm fiery sparkles. I let the memories surround me and take me over with emotion, and then I let them pass. The nostalgia sparkles linger for a moment or so, and then they are gone, a reminder of all that's fleeting. I return to the present feeling grounded and alive, prepared to make new moments that will give me those same sparkles someday down the line.
While I've spent much of today revisisiting the past, the world kept spinning on as it does.We made it to Clay County, Florida, and the living arrangements are definitely interesting. We are all staying on cots in a huge, wide open building that resembles an abandoned warehouse. Keeley is about 10 inches to my right, and Jasmine is ahout 10 inches to my left. I have a feeling privacy will be very minimal for the next month, and that's okay. I walked in this building with a growth mindset and growing is what I'm going to do! If Clay is the County I'm living in, then like clay I will become.
Here's to change, even if it feels kinda weird
~V
Comments
Post a Comment