12.26~ Blame
I wrote this post a while ago when I was hit with a wave of anger and resentment towards you. I didn't post it, because I wanted to let go and forgive and move on. Then I went over to your house on Christmas yesterday and we screamed at each other and Patrick had to pull me away before I broke something. I finally told you what I felt in my heart without holding back, even if you were incapable of listening. I stood up to you and was fearless and strong and realized you don't control me anymore.You showed up to mom's house today with letters to each of us, about how we failed you as children, your idea of direct communication. Ice cold. All I have gotten from you is coldness and I've learned to mistake that for love. I refuse to make this mistake any longer, from anyone.
It would be easy to just blame everything on you. To blame you for Patrick going through what he's going through, to blame you for why I feel undeserving of love, to blame you for mom constantly having to worry about us, to leave us with the weight of trying to clean up all the messes you seem to have made. The crushed remains of your expectations of what this world should be, and of who your children should be.
It would be easy to blame you for whatever damage this family has sustained. We're all a little damaged, and that's a fact. But we're beautiful that way and playing this blame game is futile. If there was a time machine and I was a wizard, maybe I'd try to go back in time and heal you, and teach you how to love.
I have this dream that one day you'd just look at me and you would finally understand. You would finally be able to see that I am a good person and that you've missed so much by not caring. It breaks my heart a little bit that I don't think you will ever see me for who I am. That you will never see Patrick for who he is. That you will never see Sean for who he is. We have a tremendous amount of love to give, and I'm afraid you will never know it. There are too many cracks in your broken world to see anything clearly, especially yourself.
I'm a big advocate that things are as they are supposed to be, and that there's no point in trying to rearrange the past. One of my very favorite quotes is "forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past." I'm on my way to forgiving my past. New bumps in the road reappear from time to time, and I deal with them, and I am fine again. I heal, every time. The bumps in m life have helped make me who I am, and I'm proud of who I am. I realized so very clearly last night, as my hands were shaking and my blood was boiling and the words poured out of me, that I am proud of who I am and I do not need you.
I could blame you for a lot of things, but it isn't worth it. You have so much torment you carry with you, I can't imagine how heavy it must be by now. I hope, with all my heart and soul, that one day you grow up and realize all you have lost. It's no longer my responsibility to try to show that to you.
We can't rewrite anything, we can only do the very best with what we have. I have everything I need without you.
It would be easy to just blame everything on you. To blame you for Patrick going through what he's going through, to blame you for why I feel undeserving of love, to blame you for mom constantly having to worry about us, to leave us with the weight of trying to clean up all the messes you seem to have made. The crushed remains of your expectations of what this world should be, and of who your children should be.
It would be easy to blame you for whatever damage this family has sustained. We're all a little damaged, and that's a fact. But we're beautiful that way and playing this blame game is futile. If there was a time machine and I was a wizard, maybe I'd try to go back in time and heal you, and teach you how to love.
I have this dream that one day you'd just look at me and you would finally understand. You would finally be able to see that I am a good person and that you've missed so much by not caring. It breaks my heart a little bit that I don't think you will ever see me for who I am. That you will never see Patrick for who he is. That you will never see Sean for who he is. We have a tremendous amount of love to give, and I'm afraid you will never know it. There are too many cracks in your broken world to see anything clearly, especially yourself.
I'm a big advocate that things are as they are supposed to be, and that there's no point in trying to rearrange the past. One of my very favorite quotes is "forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past." I'm on my way to forgiving my past. New bumps in the road reappear from time to time, and I deal with them, and I am fine again. I heal, every time. The bumps in m life have helped make me who I am, and I'm proud of who I am. I realized so very clearly last night, as my hands were shaking and my blood was boiling and the words poured out of me, that I am proud of who I am and I do not need you.
I could blame you for a lot of things, but it isn't worth it. You have so much torment you carry with you, I can't imagine how heavy it must be by now. I hope, with all my heart and soul, that one day you grow up and realize all you have lost. It's no longer my responsibility to try to show that to you.
We can't rewrite anything, we can only do the very best with what we have. I have everything I need without you.
Comments
Post a Comment