1.11.18

I'e  been experiencing a weird wave of anxiety/depression since I've gotten back to campus. My toxic thoughts have been off the charts and I've just been trying to stay afloat and keep them at bay to get through the day. They warned us that coming back from disaster relief could send us into this state and that it could take a while to adjust to it. I always thought myself to be somewhat resilient towards changing circumstances. I always think my "positive" mood is infallible. That is, until I start to feel bad, then I can barely stand it and my entire sense of self gets thrown off. Currently, there are things and people on my mind that I can't let go of, that I have to let go of, there's a present moment to pay attention to that I haven't been paying enough attention to. I'm learning there are always more things to learn about myself. The most important thing is that I must be patient.

This morning I feel very good. Like I'm starting to return to myself again. We're listening to Houndmouth in the van as we head to Vegas for our next project. I'm really excited to start something new and have a bit of stability for three months, something I haven't had in the previous three. My team dynamic has changed since Wynn and Cassandra left the team for the round. I miss them, but my attachment to them and the way the team was before is yet another thing I must let go of. Still, I'm surrounded by incredible people that I fall in love with every day.

I keep remembering this wild, amazing situation I'm in and how outside of all my thoughts is a beautiful world and life. When I can re-direct my mind out towards that beauty I am the most at peace. There's love everywhere. Regardless of the stories my thoughts tell me, that love is always there. The beauty is always there. These things, these intangible things are enormous and infinite and hold a tremendous truth that knocks the peanut sized group of cells in my brain that make up my thoughts out of the water. That's pretty awesome. The bottom line is, even when my brain is being cruel to me, I know it's just because it wants to try to keep me safe in the world. Sometimes I want to give my brain a hug and say "it's okay, I know you want to protect me, but I'll be just fine." And it's true, I will be just fine! Because there's a part of me beyond my thoughts that is not afraid to find the light in things. This part always calls to me, and brings me back to goodness and grace, when I'm listening.

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