Twenty~Five

I wrote this post a while ago when I was hit with a wave of anger and resentment towards you. I didn't post it, because I wanted to let go and forgive and move on. Then I went over to your house on Christmas yesterday and we screamed at each other and Patrick had to pull me away before I broke something. I finally told you what I felt in my heart without holding back, even if you were incapable of listening. I stood up to you and was fearless and strong and realized you don't control me anymore.You showed up to mom's house today with letters to each of us, about how we failed you as children, your idea of direct communication. Ice cold. All I have gotten from you is coldness and I've learned to mistake that for love. I refuse to make this mistake any longer, from anyone.  It would be easy to just blame everything on you. To blame you for Patrick going through what he's going through, to blame you for why I feel undeserving of love, to blame you for mom constantly ...

We made it back to Sacramento and it's a surreal experience being back here. It feels like a stranger I've seen before in dreams, familiar but foreign. I had no idea what was ahead of me when I left McLellan Park in early November. Seems as if a lifetime has gone by in a short month and a half. When we got back yesterday and were unpacking our things from the van, Jon, who barely says a word, goes "I feel different. When we left Sacramento, I liked you guys. Now, I love you." Ms. Oian, the unit leader for the green teams, mentioned today during our celebration/project debrief the importance of journaling, so we can remember the little things that are so easy to forget and reflect on what we've learned. I've learned so much I don't know where to begin. There's so much I never want to forget. It's a day later now. I completed this entry earlier today, and it all somehow got deleted. I was upset about this because I worked hard on the entry and re...

JOSHUA TREE. JOSHUA FUCKING TREE CAPTURED MY HEART AND SOUL YESTERDAY. We left Phoenix, Arizona at around 6 and I watched a beautiful sunrise from the van window and felt lucky to be alive. There is such a lot of world to see and I'm out here seeing it. Man oh man. Anyway, we drove all morning and ended up at Joshua tree at around noon. We stopped at the visitor center. I decided to trail off behind it and walk a bit, into the desert, until I had the sense I was alone with my surroundings. It was a level of quiet I have never experienced in a natural environment. I heard absolutely nothing and was in the middle of this tremendously infinite landscape. There is an entire world within Joshua Tree and it is silent, the entire ecosystem is perfectly intertwined and complex yet appears still and unwavering. This stillness was an inexplicably emotional experience for me. I could have stood there forever, and maybe would have until Ian tapped my shoulder and reminded me I shouldn't wa...

12.19 It's already day six of our trip back to Sacramento. I've been meaning to write, but my head hasn't been totally in the game for the past week. I've been groggy and my head hurts and everything feels tired. I'm not sure if it's possible, but Rohan has mono and I'm a little bit afraid I have it again for the third time. Then again, maybe I'm just paranoid and hit my head too hard on the bunk bed the other day. Who's to say. Anyway, I'm getting back to my normal self slowly and it feels good. So far, we've stayed in Mobile AL, Vicksburg MS, Abilene TX, El Paso TX, and Phoenix AZ. I've memorized the breakfast selection of the Holiday Inn chain and have made a hobby out of comparing the biscuit deliciousness at each location. Sleeping on beds again has exceeded all of my wildest dreams, who would've thought something so simple would bring me tremendous peace and comfort. I became so used to sleeping on tiny cots I forgot how nice...

LAST DAY IN COCOA BEACH. My heart is light as I drink my Einstein Brothers vanilla sweet cream cold brew and listen to Harry Styles in the mini van. In my head I'm saying goodbye to the clear blue sky and ocean views. It's been "cold" here for the past few days (as in, low 50s), and for the first time I can feel Winter missing from me. I see pictures of snowy windows and Christmas sweaters and I long for Christmas lights and the cozy chill of New York. Home. I started thinking yesterday about what Home means to me, a strange dichotomy to deal with. There's the home I grew up in, that I built my life around. The yellow house with red doors. Is that still home? At least, one of them? Can a place still be a home if it no longer holds any love for you?  Perhaps not. Maybe it's just a shell of memories floating in the air. Inhabited by a single soul incapable of forgiveness, tormented by emptiness. Then, there's a new home. A fresh home, devoid of fear and ...

It's Sunday night and the weekend is coming to a close quickly as it always does. The weekends here only consist of Sundays, so we do our best to make them count.  Last night, we wandered around town and ended up playing truth or dare, minus the dare. I learned what my friends here would see if they could see anything. I learned what their most defining moments in their lives were thus far, and about the last time they cried. I was reminded that each person is so intricately deep and unique. Every one of these people has darkness in their past, a brilliant darkness that makes the light of their being stand out even more. Below the surface of each human is an unexplored little universe that longs to be discovered and understood. Today, we went to Kennedy Space Center. We saw the site of the first American space launching, got up close to the Atlantis, (a REAL rocket ship!!), and watched some compelling IMAX movies in 3D, among many other fascinating activities. One movie sh...

December in cocoa beach is absolutely flying by. How can we make time slow down? Boy, I wish I knew. Life here is so simple, yet so perfect in its simplicity. I keep meaning to update my blog but it gets forgotten in the motion of daily life. I've been writing in my journal a lot, on long van rides or during my breaks in homeowners' lawns. Mostly, I've been documenting all the little beautiful moments that bring a smile to my face. I'm in constant awe at how many of these moments I find throughout my day. We've been spending our time in full-body Tyvex suits and respirators, sledge-hammering mold out of people's homes. Each day, I excrete my entire body weight in sweat and must attempt to convince my brain not to go into panic mode. It's tough. It's a mental and physical challenge for all of us. But I am reminded not to wish it away. I sometimes get caught up in the monotony of daily life and I forget that I am alive. It's really, really easy to ...