Twenty~Five

Today I'm all buzzed on life. I feel a little bit like a bad ass beyotch because I spent the day with the boys from the Utah Conservation Corps, hauling trees out of peoples' yards and getting shit DONE for America. Grant and I volunteered to work with Roderick and Mattheus, two members of the Utah corps. Roderick is ultra blonde, has the slightest lisp, and gives off the whole suoper friendly-nature-loving-cigarette-smoking-lives-out-of-his-car- kinda vibe. He doesn't believe in smart phones. Mattheus is extremely quiet and shy, with dark brown hair and a thick mustache. It's 3:30 and he just talked for the first time in the car, telling us how he worked at Six Flags for a season. I even caught him a second ago dancing to Michael Jackson a little bit, and I took that as a sign he's inching out of his shell. That's another thing about today: we spent all our time in the car listening to Michael Jackson's album, Bad, because apparently it's the only music...

yesterday we received the news that we would no longer be moving to a church 5 minutes away from the fairgrounds, but instead moving 3 hours away to Cocoa Beach, Florida. This morning we picked up all our things and hit the road. We arrived at an old schoolhouse that has been transformed into a Red Cross facility. We walked through the front hallway and out into a cute courtyard/garden area, with a red bench swing and colorful animal statues. There are doors surrounding the courtyard on all sides each leading to an old classroom, and one of the doors so happened to lead to our new "bedroom." We opened the red door and found our 13 cots awaiting us, side by side, in a tiny old schoolhouse room. After unpacking our minimal belongings, we put on our bathing suits and headed to the BEACH, which is only a 10 minute drive from our new home (how amazing is that??) By the time we got there it was around 3, and it was the perfect time of day. We ran into the ocean with reckless abando...

I haven't written in a while though I've been meaning to. The past week or so has been painful, physically and emotionally, and it has taken me some time to recover. For a bit there, I wasn't able to find myself, I wasn't able to reach that inner light that's usually so readily accessible. I got another concussion last Saturday, leaving me with terrible incessant migraines and sending me into an over-dramatically hopeless state. Again, I thought? I swore I wouldn't be reckless enough to hurt my head again, especially after the profound effects the last concussion had on my life only months ago. Then I went and hurt it anyway, my self-preservation skills failing me once again. I resent regret, but there it was, standing in the front of my mind replaying the uncontrollable over and over again. The seemingly earth-shattering team drama, self realizations and family matters that went along with the week didn't help my fickle emotional state, that's for ...

It's the early morning and I've been watching the droplets of dew race across the van window. I'm thinking about how fresh and ambiguous everything is in the morning, as new beginnings tend to be. The fog blankets the fields of the fairgrounds we're staying at, dew covers the ground and the windows. Then, before you know it, it is daytime and the fog clears and windows dry. The strange comforting uncertainty of the early morning fades. The team has been getting a bit discouraged, because the government lowkey sent us all the way from California to Florida to loiter in gas station parking lots and do free landscaping for old people. Grant expressed to me last night candidly that he feels like his time here is being wasted. While I understand where he is coming from, I don't share the same perspective. I don't feel my time is being wasted at all. I have learned slowly not to have expectations for just about anything. This makes me much happier.  Grant once told ...

Today my mind keeps going back to school, I don't know why exactly. Some memories are pleasant to revisit, some are painful, some are both. I keep going back to the moments where I consciously said to myself "remember this and hold on to this. This moment is bliss and it will go away. Don't let it get away too quick." Those days at Leddy, laughing over beers and jumping in the frigid burlington water. Warm nights on the 303 stoop that I swore would be my favorite place on earth forever (it might still be). People-watching from the boy's deck on college street. Singing duets with Sean at karaoke. Coming home and finding all my friends in my bed. Jumping on the kitchen chairs with Lizzy screaming Miley Cyrus. Tile floors and cracked ceilings and red wine and cozy movie days. Dancing under the church street lights. Heady topper at the sunset with Patrick. Those days I would walk to the park and meditate at the water, filled with a warmth that assured me I belong here...

On a lighter note: It's DAY 4 of our grand cross country trip, and it's going better than expected. I'm actually really enjoying myself. So far we've been tremendously spoiled with Holiday Inns, continental breakfasts, and eating out every night. Florida is going to hit us hard with a reality check, where we'll be sleeping on cots and living on our 4$ daily food budget again. But we'll finally be helping people, something I'm very excited about. Yesterday was good. I got to watch the sunrise from the driver's seat and the sunset from the backseat. I had a long convo with Jon about our lives and who we wanted to be. I chased people around singing high school musical during one of our stops. Roy saved me from being harassed by a homeless man. I got to play in the pool late at night and sleep on a bed that felt like a cloud. Today, we drove through Texas en route to Monroe, Louisiana. Texas was very flat and pretty much fit my expectations of what it w...

Another day in the van. This morning we woke up in Gallup, New Mexico and started our journey to Childress, Texas. The scenery is absolutely beautiful. I've discovered New Mexico is a land of rocky, dirt covered mountains and stretches of desert fields. There are huge, rust-colored cliffs intermittently that appear so vividly against the vast baby blue sky. The SKY!!! The sky seems to go on forever, a vast expanse of nothingness and everything at the same time. I've been looking at the clouds a lot, and in some snippets of daydreams I start to feel like one. Light and fleeting, slowly floating along. Our endless driving makes me feel like I'm floating from state to state in a hazy dream, uncertain which parts of me are here to stay and which are transient. I've obviously had a lot of time alone with my thoughts over the past two days. Usually, the slow pace of the world around me would give them permission to act up and wreak havoc. But to my surprise, my thoughts hav...