2.1.19
Life keeps on happening. It doesn't stop when someone breaks your heart or while you're feeling a little lost or when you're not at your best of while you wish things could be different (or that you could be different).
I used to beg the world for things to be thankful for at the end of the day. I didn't love myself enough to let the beauty of the world in. Maybe I thought I didn't deserve it. I held so much hurt. I held onto it for dear life, because it's what I knew so well. And I guess I thought to myself that all the beauty in the world, and all the love, and the freedom, those things belonged to the strong, secure, unconditionally loved people. Those with the effortlessly open hearts, they were the only ones who were allowed to dream. I wanted to be that so terribly that it tore me up in side. The ironically arduous attempt to be "effortless."
I look back now and smile to myself. It actually chokes me up a bit. I cracked away most of that cynicism, something I thought I could never shake. I started breathing, and realizing moments while they were happening and suddenly the beauty started sneaking in. It crept in and changed me in this profound way that I don't know how to speak of. I've learned how to find love where I never would have seen it before. It's truly everywhere, and I've said it over and over and over again but it still holds true.
There has been this tremendous miracle in my life. And if that is the most monumental thing that has happened to me, by the time I lay down to die, I think I will be okay with that.
I used to not know how to be thankful that I am alive.
Now, it is completely effortless.
I used to beg the world for things to be thankful for at the end of the day. I didn't love myself enough to let the beauty of the world in. Maybe I thought I didn't deserve it. I held so much hurt. I held onto it for dear life, because it's what I knew so well. And I guess I thought to myself that all the beauty in the world, and all the love, and the freedom, those things belonged to the strong, secure, unconditionally loved people. Those with the effortlessly open hearts, they were the only ones who were allowed to dream. I wanted to be that so terribly that it tore me up in side. The ironically arduous attempt to be "effortless."
I look back now and smile to myself. It actually chokes me up a bit. I cracked away most of that cynicism, something I thought I could never shake. I started breathing, and realizing moments while they were happening and suddenly the beauty started sneaking in. It crept in and changed me in this profound way that I don't know how to speak of. I've learned how to find love where I never would have seen it before. It's truly everywhere, and I've said it over and over and over again but it still holds true.
There has been this tremendous miracle in my life. And if that is the most monumental thing that has happened to me, by the time I lay down to die, I think I will be okay with that.
I used to not know how to be thankful that I am alive.
Now, it is completely effortless.
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