Really not twenty two anymore.

I'm writing right now, because I am in a beautiful place in my life and it would be a shame not to type the words written on my heart. How my heart always aches for some tangible evidence of what being alive feels like at any given moment of this journey. 

I was talking to Keeley last night about how I feel some profound changes within me and I can't seem to describe the deep gratitude I feel. When I think about the love and beauty this life has brought me, tears well up in my eyes. When I think of all I've learned in the past few years, I realize how infinite the ability to grow really is. I love myself now. It took years and years of trying and failing, and trying and failing, but I love myself now. I hope these words have enough weight to settle down in my heart and stay there for the rest of my existence.

I found a real love, and then I lost it. One of the most beautiful aspects of this life, in my opinion, is the ability to feel. I feel your absence now, more than ever. You gave me the luxury of being unapologetically myself and still loved me for it. I'm so thankful I can think of you and smile. I'm so thankful I can think of you and cry, because I know the pain I feel now in losing you is a result of the tremendous amount of love you gave me. How incredible it is to let someone in, to love someone so purely, that no matter where you go and what you do that person will stay with you. I never thought I'd find a love like that. Thanks to you, I know that there is far more out there for me than I ever bargained for.

I know now that love is the reason I can look at the clouds and be moved by the white sunshine pouring through. It's the reason when I see the trees changing, so effortlessly, I demand that I allow my soul to do the same. It's the reason every breath I take whispers "thank you" to the universe, for letting me experience this magical life. I think of all the love I've had in this life, the huge, unbelievable amount of love I received that I never expected, and any hopelessness that's ever consumed me disappears. It's replaced with gratitude.

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