4.12.18
8:59 am.
I'm getting all goofy and sentimental right now, maybe because I got four hours of sleep and just chugged a strong, nearly unpalatable cup of coffee. I feel like laughing and crying and taking a calculus test and listening to Fergie all at the same time. I'm inspired, I'm motivated, I'm grateful. There's three months left, and even though that's a long time, it doesn't seem long enough. Joining this program has made my whole world bigger. It has changed my perspective. The spots where my life used to feel limited now feel limitless. The spots where loneliness resided are filled with love. I don't know how I will be able to leave this, this hallowed experience. There is this tremendous, simple joy I feel just to know I have crossed paths with these people and will never be able to uncross them.
I was listening to this Bon Iver song last night, and though usually his lyrics are a bit incoherent, one line stopped me in my tracks. "At once I knew I was not magnificent." I don't know how to describe the effect this had on me, this reminder that the world is huge and I'm just a teeny sliver of existence upon it. All of us are, really. We're just people, living our little lives, the nature of humanity being that each of us are rather insignificant in the scheme of things. The world goes on without us, we can't go on without the world. I cannot for the life of me seem to figure out why I am here, why there is any reason I should matter in this ginormous universe. But here I am, nonetheless, and someday I will no longer be here, and that scares the heck out of me because there's so much love I want to squeeze out so I can feel like I've left something on this planet. There's so much life I want to live. So many people I'm terrified I will never see again after this lifetime, so many people I need to see again. While there is this fear of the unknown that looms in my heart, I don't want it to be mistaken for cynicism. Because though there will always be some fear, it's greatly overpowered by joy and gratitude for this great mystery. I don't care that I'm small, I'm happy to be small. I'm happy that I've finally discovered this gift I never knew I could have, to find the extraordinary in the ordinary and magic in the mundane. I feel so incredibly lucky to be a part of this strange world, if only for a little while, and perhaps one day I will finally understand. I am by no means magnificent, but my little life has been so magnificent to me.
I'm getting all goofy and sentimental right now, maybe because I got four hours of sleep and just chugged a strong, nearly unpalatable cup of coffee. I feel like laughing and crying and taking a calculus test and listening to Fergie all at the same time. I'm inspired, I'm motivated, I'm grateful. There's three months left, and even though that's a long time, it doesn't seem long enough. Joining this program has made my whole world bigger. It has changed my perspective. The spots where my life used to feel limited now feel limitless. The spots where loneliness resided are filled with love. I don't know how I will be able to leave this, this hallowed experience. There is this tremendous, simple joy I feel just to know I have crossed paths with these people and will never be able to uncross them.
I was listening to this Bon Iver song last night, and though usually his lyrics are a bit incoherent, one line stopped me in my tracks. "At once I knew I was not magnificent." I don't know how to describe the effect this had on me, this reminder that the world is huge and I'm just a teeny sliver of existence upon it. All of us are, really. We're just people, living our little lives, the nature of humanity being that each of us are rather insignificant in the scheme of things. The world goes on without us, we can't go on without the world. I cannot for the life of me seem to figure out why I am here, why there is any reason I should matter in this ginormous universe. But here I am, nonetheless, and someday I will no longer be here, and that scares the heck out of me because there's so much love I want to squeeze out so I can feel like I've left something on this planet. There's so much life I want to live. So many people I'm terrified I will never see again after this lifetime, so many people I need to see again. While there is this fear of the unknown that looms in my heart, I don't want it to be mistaken for cynicism. Because though there will always be some fear, it's greatly overpowered by joy and gratitude for this great mystery. I don't care that I'm small, I'm happy to be small. I'm happy that I've finally discovered this gift I never knew I could have, to find the extraordinary in the ordinary and magic in the mundane. I feel so incredibly lucky to be a part of this strange world, if only for a little while, and perhaps one day I will finally understand. I am by no means magnificent, but my little life has been so magnificent to me.
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